I always felt different

I always felt a little different, even before I had the words for it. As a child, I loved learning. I loved books and libraries, and could get interested in almost anything. I collected stickers, pins, keychains, stuffed animals, Barbies, My Little Ponies, and books. I liked organizing them, looking at them, and keeping them nice, more than actually playing with them.

I was also the kid who liked sitting at the adult table. I talked like a little adult, so I was told. I felt like I related more to them than children my age. I loved poetry, drawing, video games, and anime, and was always creating something. I could come up with lesson plans or little business ideas. I was practical too. I was never very interested in makeup, hair, or traditionally “girly” things. I cared more about whether something was useful, interesting, or made sense to me.

I have also always liked things to feel predictable. New places made me uneasy. Restaurants, concerts, parties, even unfamiliar buildings felt much harder the first time. Once I had been somewhere before, it became easier. I started researching places before I went, looking at photos, menus, layouts, anything that helped me know what to expect. Meeting new people could feel terrifying too, especially if I was going somewhere alone. The funny thing is that once I got there, I usually did fine. I could talk to people, connect, and even enjoy myself.

But then, afterward, I often needed hours to decompress. I have never liked small talk much either. I would rather know what someone really thinks, what they care about, or what they are going through. Deep conversations have always felt much more natural to me. 

I notice details constantly. If something is off in a movie or show, I see it. I can’t help myself. Some people find this annoying. Also, If a question comes into my head, I often feel like I need to look it up right away before I can comfortably move on.

Certain sensations affect me strongly too. Sand, sticky skin, wet clothes, motorcycles, loud cars, or sudden harsh noises can make me cringe and irritate me. Yet music has always had the opposite effect. Music calms me.

Transitions can be difficult too. Even something simple like leaving home, changing clothes, or moving from one environment to another can take more mental energy than it probably looks like from the outside.

I have also had small repetitive ways of regulating myself since childhood, things like picking at my lips, repeating certain words quietly, making little sounds under my breath, or swaying when I am very stressed.

At the same time, I am very organized, but mostly as an adult. My home is organized, everything has a place, and I like being punctual. I hate being late when other people have already arrived. I care deeply about people too, and I often feel other people’s emotions very strongly.

For years, I thought all of these things were unrelated.

I could be organized and still struggle with transitions.

I could care deeply about people and still need time alone after being around them.

I could be social and capable while still dreading an unfamiliar room.

I could love learning, become deeply absorbed in something, and then feel pulled toward the next subject or project.

Sometimes understanding yourself does not begin with finding a label.

Sometimes it begins with finally noticing the way you have always experienced the world; understanding, and sometimes adjusting, but knowing that being different is okay.

Actually, it’s pretty darn awesome.